contemplative mode

I'm having reservations about blogging at this moment although I would really like to keep this page updated. Firstly because it's already late at night, and people tend not to be themselves at this kind of hour. Secondly because there are simply too many thoughts running through my head at this moment, it's hard to sit down and consolidate them. But whatever it is, I still decided to jot some things down...so yea, I'm here.

Sometimes, I can't help but keep asking God why. Why things happen, why do people make the decisions they make, why is it sometimes so hard and many questions like that. I think without praying, I'd really go crazy, trying to answer/search for the answers to the endless stream of questions I have in my head. I seem to have a need to frequently remind myself that there are things that are beyond my circle of influence, and I should just be doing my best and giving God the rest. But of course, the measurement of best is often hard to determine and very subjective. I often wonder if I'm already doing my best, or is there more I can do.

What determines one's commitment? Our experiences with God? Our relationship with Him? Commitment should be, like salvation, involve an active wilful decision. No one can cause us to be more committed, nor can anyone cause our commitment to waver easily once we've made the decision. Scary enough, God loves us so much He gave us freewill. We're allowed to choose. WOW. the word is scary. It lies in our decisions now and it's up to us how we want to live this life that we have on earth, but to be prepared to face all the eternal consequences that come with every choice we make.

James likes to tell me that I've changed. Perhaps. I'm not the same steph I was 5 years ago. We all gotta grow from glory to glory. I hope I've changed for the better. But in anyway, as my age matures, my thoughts complexes. I often wonder why I was wired this way as well. Funny, when I have no problems with myself at this current situation, I'm seeing what is happening to the people around me, and trying to understand and get some revelations off their lives. I think I'm seeking for trouble .

Help me, each day, each moment.

Elison.